REJECTION PROTECTION CLUB: EMOTIONAL DETANGLER

REJECTION PROTECTION CLUB 

“EMOTIONAL DETANGLER”

CONSIDERING COMPLEX EMOTIONS 

Welcome back to another installment of the Rejection Protection Club, as this month we will be discussing the idea of complex emotions. 

The idea that emotions are complex may be apparent, but the actual reality of how that manifests just so happens to be a situation that I believe we face with far less understanding than what we seem to think is readily visible. While most all situations probably involve a combination of emotions which can be managed, it is when we are not recognizing the combinations that things start to become daunting, overwhelming, scary, or similarly perceived. On the opposite side of this, if we can very clearly see one emotion but struggle with others, complex emotions may also leave us prone to under-assessment of all the ways we are feeling because of identification with one specific emotion which feels clear and in disregard of the rest of the concoction. 

Today we will go over some of the ways that emotional complexity may become tricky or difficult to “detangle”, along with some strategies which may help to ease this process further.

THE BENEFITS OF UNDERSTANDING COMPLEX EMOTIONS 

I do love examples, so we will start with one. 

Let’s say we have what appears to be a cut and dried situation: let’s say that Sally becomes mad at Sarah after Sarah blew her off on a date which they had planned. On the surface, this looks very easily deciphered as far as the perpetrator and victim of the situation. Sally is absolutely justified and having an emotionally intelligent response to be mad and disappointed based off of the situation, and if we were to ask 100 people, most if not all would agree this was a normal and expected human emotional interaction. 

But what lies underneath, or rather the understanding of such, is likely what determines whether the situation will fall closer to Sally and Sarah communicating and planning a reschedule date with more understanding or fall closer to Sally saying that Sarah is a total flake who blew her off. The objective optics of the situation are clear, but further context does matter: how much was Sally expecting from this situation, and what is her history with people blowing her off? Is the fact that she was blown off more of a pride issue, does it feel more like disrespect or inconsideration, or is this more of a self-esteem related negative issue triggering feelings of rejection or unworthiness? What about Sarah? Why did Sarah not communicate? Was Sarah feeling nervous, or perhaps withdrawn, or perhaps self-sabotaging, or maybe she just simply isn’t a nice or considerate person? How was each feeling the day that the missed connection happened? What if by freak accident Sarah’s phone broke and she couldn’t find a way to communicate? 

Not so cut and dried, eh?

Now clearly, there is a solution here which does break the example a little, and that would be that each could be more communicative of their emotions around the situation. But this is precisely where the benefit of emotions detangling can help us have fuller understanding and therefore more helpful reframes of situations. If we are able to continue to expand our capacity to understand emotions, we can more accurately see the roots of these feelings, and with the unfortunate reminder that we have no control over other people’s actions or behaviors towards us, can at least take autonomy in our own emotional reactions and what to do with them. 

As with anything in mental health, nuance is a very important axis of consideration as well. At least from a personal standpoint, I’ve had plenty of experience driving myself crazy with too much overanalysis on emotional situations which probably don’t necessarily need too much analysis– for example, on days when I have slept poorly, that is almost always the answer for why I feel a spiraling range of negative emotions, but I could easily be tempted to fixate on something standing out as a scapegoat. But for larger situations, particularly those with more intense emotions, detangling what other emotions may be involved in a situation can be the difference between true understanding and progress and continuing the same frustrating cycle.

THE DIFFICULTIES OF UNDERSTANDING COMPLEX EMOTIONS 

But for all the good which comes from a more distinguished understanding of emotional “packets” we may experience day to day, it’s easy to see without looking too far why this process becomes so difficult for us. 

First and probably most obvious, it requires a lot of emotional energy, point blank. Deciphering emotions of ourselves (as well as others) is arguably the most expensive toll on our emotional bandwidth overall, and I believe most all humans can agree that it is much easier to see any situation as a black and white, right and wrong type rather than sifting through eterenal nuances. We want to see something as clear as possible, and not even necessarily because we want to be right or do not want to be wrong, but because we want a clear and sequential interpretation system that is easy to navigate. 

But alas, emotions are one of the most complicated and misunderstood areas of humanity, and to some degree we are asking that a calculus problem just be presented as simple multiplication. And this extends to the idea that not everyone NEEDS to understand calculus, but if one wants to expand their knowledge of the roots behind why things they see work or do not work, that is going to require a lot of understanding and efforts to get to that understanding. 

A secondary consideration of why this is difficult is because in the moment, many, if not most people DO genuinely believe that the emotional experience they are having is a correct and accurate one. And why wouldn’t we– that is how we keep our sanity after all. Complex emotions obviously involve more than one feeling, and these can not only become misinterpreted or ignored, but also blend together to create more intricate emotional states. Some people may experience most of their emotions to be a blended combination of other emotions, something we commonly see result in neurodivergence overwhelm. Other people may be very familiar with one emotion, and see all emotional states from that lens. This can lead to issues seen best through the saying of “if your only tool is a hammer, all problems appear to be nails.”

And finally, perhaps most commonly, we often do not WANT to experience some emotions, and choose to either suppress or sublimate or otherwise avoid them entirely. One of the most helpful tidbits of advice I got in grad school was the idea that of the four negative emotions of Anger, Sadness, Hurt and Fear, most people have some kind of conscious or subconscious hierarchy of what they feel most comfortable to least comfortable displaying. They may feel certain emotions are more acceptable than others, and tell themselves that they must emote accordingly. There are certainly large situations where this cannot be avoided, but there are far more subtle ones where a secondary, important emotion is being disregarded due to this protective filter. 

One last consideration which may be obvious but worth mentioning is that obviously the way that each individual human perceives emotion is obviously a massive slider to this equation as well. As an extremely emotional person, I see great value but also may struggle more in identifying these emotions. For someone who has a much smaller emotional range, they may find that it is easier to detangle their own emotions, but harder to connect to the value of separation as well. 

DETANGLING EMOTIONS 

So how can we start to make progress in this emotional understanding? Well, to begin, we can start by actually looking into what emotions we are experiencing, and trying to keep things simple before they become too complex or overwhelming. 

I have created this above chart as an idea to help get us thinking about how we may be overlooking emotions that are present within us and perhaps even help us understand the “emotional equations” that result in some of our most complex and confusing mental states. To complete the activity, just list 6 of your most common positive emotions and 6 of your most common negative emotions, and then fill those out in the corresponding slots. Next, you will determine what feelings are derived from the combinations of each of these emotions when mixed together. The end result will give you not only clarity on the most common baseline simple emotions we experience, but hopefully also shed light on what more complex states may be more easily broken down and compartmentalized too. 

EXAMPLES TO GET STARTED

And to further display, I will give an example of my own chart of recent emotions:

PRIMARY v	RESTLESS	OPTIMISTIC	FRUSTRATED	POWERLESS
RESTLESS	Anxious	Excited	Irritated	Somber
OPTIMISTIC	Proactive	Joy	Hyperfocused	Hopeful
FRUSTRATED	Irate	Committed	Rageful	Self sabotaging
POWERLESS	paralyzed	Content	Empty	Hopeless

A few notes– the design of this activity is to leave openness for however each person interprets it– for mine, I looked at the column emotion to be primary and the row emotion as secondary, which gave variety depending on which emotion felt more prevalent. I also used my own personal interpretations– though I will list some common interpretations of basic emotion combos below just for brainstorming purposes– and a key function of this activity is to find what YOUR personal perception of these emotions are. That’s what counts here, though it is of likely intrigue to see where that compares and differs to others’ interpretations. 

An additional action that can be taken here is to then determine coping mechanisms in a more simple and deconstructed manner.

To continue my own example, I will make another table that takes the same idea but uses the coping mechanisms of

Restlessness= Exercise

Optimism= Socialize

Frustration= connect/share

Powerless=Distract/empower

in hopes to see if I have ideas of things I could do should I recognize I am in an uncomfortable emotion. 

	EXERCISE	SOCIALIZE	CONNECT/ SHARE	DISTRACT/ EMPOWER
EXERCISE	Extensive exercise	Active social activities	Team sports/ active social gathering	productive event/activity
SOCIALIZE		party	Phone a friend
CONNECT/ SHARE		Event with multiple close friends	Similar situation socialize	Go to a purposeful event
DISTRACT/ EMPOWER	Hike somewhere new/different

This is again just one example of what can be done with these emotions, as the main overall goal is to allow for creativity and further openminded thinking. I could look at it as a reactive situation, as in noticing a lot of a certain emotion might be relieved by the action, or I could look at it proactively to promote or prevent emotions in periods where I feel there is a higher risk. Whatever way that you feel that emotions could be better untangled is the correct way to complete the activity. 

COMMONLY PERCEIVED EMOTIONAL COMBOS

	JOY	SADNESS	FEAR	DISGUST	ANGER
JOY	Euphoria	Melancholy	Pleasant Surprise	Curiosity	Determined/Advocating
SADNESS		Despair	Anxiety	Self Blame	Betrayal
FEAR			Terror	Repulsed	Hatred
DISGUST				Judgment	Loathing
ANGER					Rage

IN REVIEW

The complexity and difficulty of managing emotions may be something that myself or other naturally highly emotional people may notice as far more useful or pertinent than others, but ultimately we can never escape the reality that everything that happens involves more emotions than we are probably capable of considering. While many of these emotions truly can just pass without need for recognition, it is also the more problematic or misinterpreted ones which lead to some of our most painful or disruptive emotional interactions. 

To just have the understanding that it would be very difficult, if not impossible for someone to be able to have 100% accurate read on their emotions at all times alone is a boon to better emotional understanding, as we ultimately also do not need to fully understand and decipher why an emotion is there as much as just addressing its existence. The more we can see ourselves as complex emotions, the deeper understanding and possibly better self-esteem we may build. At the end of the day, the reward of best understanding our emotions is to best put ourselves in situations where they can be maximized or best managed, and that is just a jargoned out way to state that better understanding of emotions is very encouraging towards a better quality of life. 

So whether you feel that you can increase your own emotional understanding or feel you could better communicate or interact with others around emotions, just always keep in mind the simple platitude that “nobody can ever know what anyone else is going through”, and that our assumptions are always subject to be misinterpretations. 

MORE ABOUT 

CONNECTED ROOTS

At Connected Roots, our three core pillars are connection, grounding, and confidence. 

We share dedication to creating nonjudgmental and safe spaces where clients can 

express themselves authentically and reach their goals.

For more information on Connected Roots or Nick Serro, please visit our website or contact us at 720-593-1062.

—-------------------------------------