I'm both too much and not enough...
Too much anxiety
Too much emotion
Too many expectations
Not enough spontaneity
Not enough talent
Not enough excitement
Too much thinking
Not enough knowledge
Too much conflict
Not enough independence
Too many problems
Not flexible enough
Not collaborative enough
Not vulnerable enough
Today I feel alone. Alone in my pain, alone in my struggle; like this isn’t what I am supposed to feel. All of the internalized messages are screaming loudly. TOO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH. These things do have truth and that’s why they hurt. They’re not wrong, but they’re not completely right either.
What is the truth?
- I do struggle with anxiety and I do feel emotions deeply.
- I do have expectations of the people in my life.
- I do enjoy spontaneity and also find comfort in the familiar.
- I do enjoy excitement, but sometimes become timid and confused around how to show that or bring that in.
- I enjoy singing and dancing, but have not invested in developing those talents recently.
- I cannot be explained easily- no one can. I am a complex human like all of us. Certain truths contradict other truths. I’m constantly learning more about myself.
- I do have things that help me feel more secure and cared for in relationships. I also have boundaries and limitations.
- I do become easily invested in relationships. I care about others deeply and want to be a significant presence in their lives. I am loyal and like to engage in problem solving with others rather than an all in or all out approach.
- I do think constantly and go over many different perspectives, possibilities, and options in my mind. I do engage in rumination and worry. I am constantly trying to figure out the next “best” thing to do.
- I don’t engage in much learning beyond the emotional/psychological realm. I spend most of my time learning about people and relational dynamics.
- I do prefer communicating my thoughts and feelings in relationships.
- I am passionate and don’t like to mask my thoughts and feelings.
- I don’t like games or strategy when it comes to communication. I prefer direct, honest, and transparent conversations.
- It is sometimes hard for me to access underlying emotions leading to ineffective behaviors, such as lashing out.
- I do struggle with settling into alone time. I like being with the people I love. I like connecting with others. I am making efforts toward building my comfort in being alone.
- I struggle with dependence on external validation. I am working on turning toward myself rather than others.
- I do feel strongly about certain things and I don’t submit easily when I disagree with something that I feel will negatively impact me or others.
- I do take what others say to me or about me seriously and sometimes I feel hurt deeply and worry about what others think of me or feel toward me.
- I struggle to express emotionally to others due to a fear of appearing weak or not feeling in control. I struggle to trust others will be accepting and welcoming of my emotions.
Too much and not enough are subjective. The truth is what you see above. We don't need to describe ourselves concisely. We are complex and so are descriptions are complex. Embrace the complexity and stay curious about your truth.